Totally Like Whatever, You Know?

Totally Like Whatever, You Know?
by Taylor Mali

In case you hadn't noticed,
it has somehow become uncool
to sound like you know what you're talking about.
Or believe strongly in what you're, like, saying.
Invisible question marks and parenthetical (you know?)'s
and (you know what I'm saying)'s
have been attaching themselves to the ends of our sentences?
Even when those sentences aren't, like, questions? You know?

Declarative sentences - so-called
because they used to, like, you know, declare things to be true,
you know?
As opposed to other things were, like, totally, you know, not?
Have been infected by a totally hip
and tragically cool interrogative tone? You know?
Like, don't think I'm uncool just because I've noticed this;
I have nothing personally invested in my own opinions, okay?
I'm just inviting you to join me on the bandwagon
of my own uncertainty?

What has happened to our conviction?
Where are the limbs out on which we once walked?
Have they been, like, chopped down
with the rest of the rain forest? You know?
Or do we have, like, nothing to say?
Has society become so, like, totally...
I mean absolutely... you know?
That we've just gotten to the point where it's just, like...
whatever!

And so actually our disarticulation...ness
is just a clever sort of... thing
to disguise the fact that we've become
the most aggressively inarticulate generation
to come along since...
you know, a long, long time ago!

I entreat you, I implore you, I exhort you,
I challenge you: speak with conviction.
Say what you believe in a manner than bespeaks
the determination with which you believe it.
Because contrary to the wisdom of the bumper sticker,
it is not enough these days to simply question authority.
You have to speak with it too.